Crazy Love + a personal revelation

So... it's been awhile. Yet again.

(I have come to accept the fact that I am a horrible blogger, in terms of updating regularly and whatnot. I apologise.)

There are oodles and oodles of things I could fill you all in on, but that can wait 'til later. For now, I'll just go with the most prevalent topic in my mind, which also happens to be the most important.

It's time for some Jesus talk.

For the past six weeks, I have been reading through this book with a wonderful group of friends:

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

That wonderful group of friends is made up of the following: my 4th roommate, Amber, who also happens to be my sister's best friend; two of my best friends here in Evansville, Hannah and Ryan; their friend, Kory, who I knew from last year; and two new friends: Nate, a junior at USI, and Lindsay, who works for Campus Outreach at the university.

We meet every Monday evening and are taking the book one chapter per week. Each night, we go over some of the main points from the chapter, sharing our thoughts and posing all sorts of deep, intriguing questions to one another. There are also videos online that go along with the book, so we watch those sometimes.

The first few weeks were fun and insightful, but not super in-depth. Not all of us knew each other previous to Crazy Love, so I don't think we felt quite comfortable with intense spiritual conversation just yet. More recently, however, our meetings have been incredibly eye-opening and heart-changing.

While one reason for this is certainly due to the fact that we're all so much more comfortable around each other now, it can also be attributed to the fact that these past two weeks were devoted to the two most convicting, challenging chapters yet: Profile of the Lukewarm and Serving Leftovers to a Holy God, just for reference.

I could talk for days about the discussions and thoughts that this book has provoked thus far, but right now I want to focus on something that struck me from a chapter called You Might Not Finish This Chapter. Francis touches on how things like stress and worrying are really nothing more than sin, because by worrying about this or that, you are essentially saying that you don't trust God to take care of it.

Here's one of the excerpts that I had highlighted:

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.

-Crazy Love by Francis Chan, p. 42 

Since that week's discussion, I really started focusing on de-stressing. This was quite a challenging task for a couple of reasons:

1. I am currently taking 18 credit hours' worth of classes, working 3 jobs, and completing my field experience at an elementary school in Mt. Vernon. Is it even possible to be that busy and NOT stress every once in awhile?
2. I am a natural worrier. I always have been, since I was a little kid. I vaguely remember having to be checked for stomach ulcers (brought on by worry and stress) when I was 9 years old. That's just not normal!

However, despite the daunting task that lay ahead, I feel that I did pretty well. Thanks to lots of prayer and determination, for nearly three weeks straight I was more joyful than ever. It's hard for me to pinpoint a time in the past when I've been that happy- almost carefree, even.

I simply didn't let the small stuff get to me. If I ever caught myself starting to worry about a test or getting a project done on time or finding the time to clean the apartment AND do my laundry before heading out to work an 8-hour shift at Aero... I just stopped. All it took was me telling myself, "Is this really going to matter in a year? A month? A week, even?" I just had to say a prayer, pick up my Bible, and think on what is really important in the long run (read: salvation, faith, strengthening my relationship with Jesus Christ, etc.) and the stress just wasn't there anymore.

I was so proud of myself. Surprised at what I had accomplished, given my circumstances, but proud and happy.

And then, last Tuesday, it happened.

My car broke down.

It sounds silly talking about my car failure as some sort of monumental event, when in the long run it's just another one of those things that will seem insignificant someday... Heck, even right now, it seems silly. But it definitely wasn't so silly at the time.

I never realized how heavily I rely on my car until I couldn't drive it anymore. (You know, like the whole you don't know what you've got until it's gone saying...) I work at the mall, which is about 25 minutes away, three to four days a week. I have to drive to Mt. Vernon to work in the elementary school every Friday morning. I have checks that need cashed, groceries that need purchased, books that need returned to the Vanderburgh County Public Library. I can't do these things with no car!

My stress-free streak ended, suddenly and painfully.

I don't really know what to write in terms of describing what exactly is wrong with my car, because we still haven't figured that out. Suffice it to say that my dad drove down from Columbus to work on it last weekend, and it's still not fixed; I took it into Midas to have a new catalytic converter and new exhaust system put in, and it's still not fixed; and I took it to AutoZone to have it looked at, and it's still not fixed. Over $400 later and my car is no better than it was last week.

As money has always been a struggle for my family and I, that last fact alone was enough to send me into hysterics for a couple of days. I was so frustrated and confused and just at a loss to what needed to be done.

I prayed for guidance and support, but my heart wasn't in it. Stupidly, I didn't trust that God could fix this one. Again, looking back, I realize how silly this sounds... but I was just so worried.

I talked to my mom several times a day, and she told me the same thing over and over again: trust in God and remember that everything happens for a reason.

My friends gave me similar advice. Even Kyle, who is one of my best friends, but always more of a jokester than a serious talker, had some wise words of encouragement:

The way I always look at things, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it doesn't make sense, but that's okay. If something bad or unwanted happens to me, I just look at it as something that will make me a better person in the long run. We can worry about things and bring ourselves down... but it won't fix it.

Everything happens for a reason.

That has always been one of my favorite quotes/pieces of encouragement, but I suppose believing it is easier said than done.

After a couple of days, I stopped praying for God to fix my car and began to accept that He had this happen to me for a reason. So instead, I prayed for God to reveal exactly what his reason was. And He showed me, sooner than I'd expected.

This little revelation of mine came when I made the decision to call Aero and tell them about my predicament. I had been borrowing Kari's car to get to work and the elementary school for the past week (I've said this before, and I'll say it again: Kari is an absolute angel!) but obviously, I couldn't go on like that forever.

So I talked to one of my managers, explaining the situation. She was very cool and understanding about it, and told me that if I can't make it in this weekend, they have people to cover it. And if my car's still not fixed after this weekend, she'll work something out. No worries.

Simple as that.

I had been so nervous about calling in and telling them I may not be able to make it to work in the near future... almost like that would make me feel as if I had failed or let them down. But as Kari reassured me, the situation was out of my hands. My managers will understand if I can't make it to work because of a bum car- it's not like they'd expect me to walk to the East side to get to work.

As soon as I realized that putting Aero on hold for a little while was really not a huge deal, I began to put the pieces together. The conclusion I came up with? My car breaking down was God's way of telling me to slow down a little bit. I never realized how badly I had been overworking myself, this entire semester.

Once I thought about it, I welcomed the break from Aero. Don't get me wrong; I love my job! I just need a breather. I never knew how tightly strung I had been all semester until this happened, and as soon as I started to crack, I felt my sanity unraveling quickly. A break was not only appreciated, but very necessary for my well-being.

I still don't know what's going to happen with my car situation. I just dropped it off at yet another mechanic this afternoon; hopefully I'll have more luck this time around. It's scary, dealing with this grown-up problem while living on my own three hours from home... but I'm trying really hard not to worry.

No matter what happens, it's in God's hands.